Authors Note: We are back? Here’s to consistent posting. Someone should hold me accountable. As always, thank you for reading.

I’m sitting on a red chair in a humid room. There’s a humming sound coming from the central air, but the air is hot. My mom is beside me on a green bench, speaking to my dad in a language I understand but cannot utter. Across from me, my father, fragile with his grey hairs sprouting, is looking up. His eyes are on the television. There’s a college basketball game, but there’s no sound. His hands are moving, and the tremors are not so bad today. He is on a bed, white sheets covering him. He is better today. Alhamdoulillah. 

As I write this, I am in awe of Allah’s mercy. How one can make dua, and Allah is there for you. How one can be in sujood, asking Allah for his mercy, and He hears you. He hears your cries and knows what you want and need. I cried last night while I was praying. My hands came together to make dua, but I couldn’t speak. No sound came. Just the tears falling and the lump in my throat. My eyes were blurry, and all I wanted at that moment was Allah’s mercy. And when I was ready, all I could say was Ameen. 

Life has been moving. Day by day, I try my best to live. To worship. To make sure I am doing my best for my Akhira (hereafter). There are days I struggle, but with Allah’s mercy, it becomes easier. I struggled with someone, wondering if the person would ever leave. I convinced myself that this person would change and be better, but nothing changed. We were in a tangled mess for two years. We’d untangle and tangle again. And this was my awakening to wanting something so bad but not waiting on Allah’s timing. 

When it ended, something breathed into me. A relief, a sigh. For some time, I was mad at myself for staying and accepting something that was not mine. Allah’s mercy helped me realize this tangled mess wasn’t mine. 

The healing first came from my time with my sisters. They didn’t even realize how much love they poured over me for the sake of Allah. They embraced me with so much warmth. May Allah reward them (Ameen). We attended lectures about the importance of establishing a relationship with the Quran. We ate together, laughed, and shared joy. We celebrated each other. 

Then, my heart continued to soften as a school counselor, working with students and their families, helping as best as I could. Allah’s mercy continued. 

I’ve been writing for two years but have never found myself posting. In those two years, I learned more about myself as a Muslim woman, daughter, sister, and friend. I’ve sat with my grief, pondered, and wondered when it would go away. Grieving my losses and knowing that it would never go away. Instead, grief comes and goes like the seasons and never disappears. Grief can be shocking sometimes, you wake up with the anxiety and struggle to breathe. I drowned alone, silently, but with Allah’s mercy, I was able to breathe again. I was able to accept grief and make it my friend.

I sometimes miss my early twenties. I miss the days when I didn’t think much about anything. I miss my obliviousness, never having a clue of what was really happening. I miss my innocence about the world. But now, I am grateful for this new awareness and knowledge. I am grateful to be a 28-year-old woman with so much love to give, a woman who suffers from elder-sister syndrome. 

I’ve accepted Allah’s Qadr. Every day I am on this earth is a new beginning—a day of hope and fear, gratitude and reflection, sharing love and kindness, and being present. 

Here’s to another day of being present. May Allah forgive us, protect us, and be pleased with us. Allahuma Ameen. 

2022 kicked my ass. I am not even joking, I felt the pain this year, but I also felt the joys and simple pleasures. This year’s theme was focusing on love within my relationships. Let me be specific here- we’re not talking about romantic love. When this year started, I wanted more for myself. I created my vision board to serve as a guide for me (see below):

Round of applause for me because I followed most of what’s on this vision board. But let’s get serious here; I still don’t know how to describe this year. I started the year feeling lost and depressed, wondering when something would happen to me. Something good? Something exciting? I turned 25 thinking my brain would officially be fully developed (I am not being funny here, promise). I was excited to turn 25 because there was this hope of change. There was this hope that something would happen, but what I did not realize was that everything was happening. Everything that needed to happen happened. Change occurred. The 25-year-old Diakha in January is not the same 25-year-old Diakha in December.

In my vision board, I emphasize sisterhood and its importance with the quote on soul sisters. I remember craving a sisterhood that made sense to me. A sisterhood that brought me closer to my religion. A sisterhood that felt warm and embraced me as a whole. But, before I could even have this, I needed to learn what type of friend I was to the people in my life at the time. I hurt people. People hurt me. I’ve always been self-aware, but there’s a difference between being self-aware and working on yourself and being self-aware and causing damage within your relationships. Unfortunately, I was a good friend to some and a terrible one to others. The consequences were loud, painful, dreading, and an emotional rollercoaster. I spent January and February of this year feeling this heaviness in my heart as if someone was pressing weight on it and just kept pressing it down. When the clouds hung above me, I was having uncomfortable conversations. Apologies came and went. It was during this time I was finally told about myself. The one thing I needed was someone to just say, Diakha, do better. And I finally did.

The clouds still hung above me, but it wasn’t as gloomy as before. During this time, I learned what type of friends I needed, and I prayed for them. I learned that my passive aggressiveness needed to end at some point. I learned to set boundaries. I learned to tell people in my life when they’ve done me wrong instead of avoiding them. I learned to be comfortable with people telling me when I have done them wrong. I learned so much, so I started this post by mentioning how 2022 kicked my ass.

Around March, my life changed. I am so dramatic. It did not change drastically, I promise. Something was always missing in my life, and I could never pinpoint it. And then it happened. My cousin invited me to a Mosque hosting an event for young adults. I remember that day so well because I was contemplating attending the event. I sent my cousin seven messages, to go or to not go. I finally made my decision, which was one of the best decisions this year. From that day on, the clouds slowly disappeared, and the sun rose above. I found a community and sisterhood (don’t cry for me).

The rest of my year was honestly a blur. I had a nerdy hot girl summer. I read so many books this year; not to brag, but I am almost at 50 books. I had a terrible dating experience this year, which I’ve spoken about in my blog. I’m sure you’re tired of reading about my singleness, well too bad. We’re in this together until I… Let me stop. I am still in grad school, having the nerdiest time of my life (almost done iA). I went to the Poconos this year and realized how much I loved hiking. Throughout my hardships this year, I got closer to my parents, and I hope I will get even closer to them next year.

As I prepare for 2023, the year I turn 26, I hope for a new chapter in my life. I am unsure what to call this next chapter, but I am ready to embrace it. I am ready to embrace hardships, lessons, and blessings. I share this with you all to inspire you to create your vision board. It does not have to look like mine; make it your own. You can even make it your wallpaper to serve as a reminder for you. I also share this with you all to remind you that growth is necessary. Change is necessary. Reflection is necessary.

Thank you for reading! Feel free to read more of my work and tell me what you think via email (deethiam@gmail.com)

Written by Diaka Thiam (your favorite inconsistent African Gyal)

Author’s Note: LOL, not me starting this series and completely neglecting it. But hey! I was focused this Ramadan.

I can’t believe Ramadan is ending soon. SubhanAllah. I wanted to journal every week, but your girl was focused on other things. 

For my brothers and sisters, I am so proud of you. I hope you are proud of yourselves too. I wanted to take this time to give you gentle reminders. During this holy month, you may have been more present. You may have gotten closer to Allah. You may have picked up and read the Quran every single day. You may have stopped listening to music and let go of the attachment you had with music. You may have prayed more. You may have dressed more modestly. You may have listened to more Islamic podcasts and lectures. You may have visited the mosque more often. You may have put Allah at the center. 

What happens next? 

Over the past few Ramadans, I wish I had reminders. I wish someone reminded me of the things I did during the holy month for the sake of Allah. You worked so hard in this blessed month, now what? Do you go back to the same routine you had before the month of Ramadan? Or do you create a new routine? Do you start over, now that you’ve changed? Now that you’re more aware of your religion? Now that you’ve gotten closer to Allah? 

All this hard work should not be thrown out the window after Ramadan ends. For the last few days, try to journal your experience. Write down all the things you’ve done. Write down any emotions you’ve felt. So, you can always revisit and have reminders for yourself. To remind yourself of the healthy habits you built during this holy month. To remind yourself of how you tried your best. To remind yourself of the connections you’ve made. To remind yourself of the things in this Dunya you detached from for the sake of Allah. 

It’ll be hard. I know this. However, try to hold yourself accountable and know that you’re trying your best. 

Written by Diaka Thiam 🙂

Recently, I experienced something that frustrated me on my first day of Ramadan. This Holy month is about detachment from my desires and distractions. It’s about getting closer to Allah. It’s about being present and mindful of my thoughts and actions. This month is my restart for the year to cleanse my mind and soul. To heal, reflect, and give. Although life continues, Allah provides us with a chance to pause during this month. And that’s what I chose to do this year- learn how to pause. You’re right; I cannot pause school, activities, work, or responsibilities. But, I can pause myself, meaning I can stop for a few minutes, an hour, maybe two, and be mindful of Allah. We are so busy, moving at a speed that sometimes scares us to just pause. We forget the art of pausing. The art of being mindful. The art of looking at our surroundings and appreciating the beauty of life. The art of watching the trees bloom back to life during spring and birds chirping beautiful melodies in the early morning. The art of giving back to any and everyone. The art of gathering as a community, your community. 

I was sad last night, but I decided to pause. The frustration I felt was valid, but what frustrated me will not hold power. I refuse to let it keep its power. So, I breathed, I prayed, and I read. I spent time with my family. 

Pausing, of course, is difficult, but it’s manageable. I believe you can do it. You can take a few minutes to breathe. A few minutes to write. A few minutes to put the phone down. A few minutes to check in with yourself. If you allow it, someone or something will be the thief of your pausing moment. Do not let that happen. 

Ramadan Mubarak, and may Allah continue to give you the peace you’ve been yearning for. 

Written by Diaka Thiam.

Author’s Note: Maybe I spoke too soon on consistency. Well, I am trying. But, it’s a new year, so that means we need more content. So, my beautiful readers, how are you?

If you’re wondering if the title is accurate, then yes, it is. A couple of years ago, I was told to not worry about the m-word. You know exactly what word I am talking about!

Ever since I told my parents that I was going back to school, they will not leave me alone about getting married. A couple of months ago, my dad called me to his room for check-in. I thought it was sweet because there are times when he will randomly check on me. I went to his room with smiles and asked, “What’s up?” He said, “I want to talk to you about your life.” Let’s pause for a second-

Talk to me about my life? In my head, I KNEW what was coming. So, being the smartass I am, I told him about going back to school. He immediately stopped me and said, “Diakha, you are about to be 25. You need to get married.”

Obviously, he said this in English and our native language, Soninke. My heart sank just for a millisecond. And so it begins. The marriage conversation- the one I keep having with everyone. The one conversation I cannot seem to avoid. The one conversation that is tied to my identity. Honestly, I was in disbelief. All that I have accomplished, yet the only thing people can mention, is marriage. Do you know how frustrating that is?

I remember going through a phase when I told my parents I did not want to get married. This was to stop them from talking to me about it. Did it work? No, of course not. It made things a lot worse. After my father told me I needed to get married, I actively avoided him. Because, if that’s your way of checking in with your daughter, I want no parts.

It’s not just parents. It’s relatives and friends. I can only chase after things that are in my grasp. If I can’t see it or hold onto it, I can’t chase after it. Marriage is so far from me. It’s exhausting trying to find your person. Talking to someone new every few months, just to realize you wasted your time. Putting in the effort, bringing down your standards and expectations, and being vulnerable it’s all too tiring. And, this is what people don’t realize. All the work you put in to find your person. What do you get out of it? People shaming you. People saying you’re getting too old. People comparing you to your mates. People refusing to acknowledge other aspects of your life. People not respecting you and your privacy.

I told you all before that I would not give up. But, I will give myself a break (well, I already have). My main goal this new year is to be in tune with myself and stay in the present. But, unfortunately, I live in my head too much, dreaming about my fantastic wedding day and marrying Jaylen Brown. Love has already found me. In my friendships. In books. In my schooling. In my job. And love will continue to find me. Someday, when the time is right, marriage will also find me.

As always, thank you so much for reading!
Written by: Diaka Thiam 🙂

Author’s Note: We are back babyyyyy. I turned 25 yesterday! I felt so loved and appreciated, which was a great way to ring in a new chapter of my life. I hope you enjoy my lessons. Let me know what lessons you’ve learned 🙂

A quote for you: When the sun rises, you rise with it.

“Growth is everlasting… even if you reject it.”

You cannot deny the growth you experience every year. Even if you don’t feel it, you are growing each year. What you have experienced can indeed make you a new person. For some, this may seem obvious, but for others, it is hard to accept. Imagine all the new people you meet each year and what you’ve learned from them. It doesn’t have to be direct. Simply, it can be what you’ve experienced with them.

“Friendships bloom but can also wither.”

Not like a dying flower, but you get it, right? I think each person I’ve had as a friend was super important. No matter what I went through with that person, they added something to my life. No matter the hurt I have caused and vice versa, I will forever be grateful. With each friendship, I learned so much about myself. I knew what kind of friend I am, and what kind of friend I would like to become. I became more vulnerable. And, I think the best part is that I learned more about my own love language and the types of friends I want in my life. The difficulty, though, is accepting that not every friendship is meant to continue to bloom. Everything in life doesn’t last. Some friendships wither to make room for newer and stronger friendships.

“Your community is everywhere.”

I don’t think we talk about this enough, but the community helps us thrive in this world. Without our communities, we are empty. A community is like a nest; as birds build their nests sometimes, they consider what’s needed to make their nests strong. The communities you are part of help develop your character. We are born into communities, but we also have choices as we get older. Everywhere we turn, there is a community for us. Over the years, I didn’t realize the communities I was part of- the ones that shaped me into who I am today. Without those communities, I would be lost. So don’t forget to keep finding your communities. It is never too late.

“If you want to sing a song, make sure to sing it loud and proud.”

I remember this one time I was driving to my house with my mom in the passenger seat. Harry Styles Adore You came on and I busted out my singing voice. My windows were down, and I was happy. I sang until we got to my house. I parked next to this car, not realizing someone was in it. When I turned to look at the car, there sat a woman in the driver’s seat, giving me the dirtiest look I have ever seen. To this day, I am still hurt because that woman really must have hated my singing. Why am I telling you this? Well, if you want to sing a song, sing it. Do not let other people ruin your shine. You will have people hate on the very things you love to do, but that should not stop you. Keep going. And this goes beyond singing. Interpret this lesson in any way that suits you. Did I stop singing after that encounter? No. I sang my heart out even more because I love Harry Styles, and singing makes me happy.

Do not let the pressures of marriage get to you.

I have been pressured to marry since I turned 18 years old. Luckily while I was in school, it wasn’t that bad. But, once I graduated from college, it got worst. Marriage proposals left and right. I wish I went to therapy more often during this time. I wish there was someone to help me get through it, and not deal with it on my own. Though I joke with my friends about wanting to get married, I still cry to myself knowing the pressure has gotten to me. This lesson is easier said than done. But, you have to try to not let people get into your head. Some will tell you you’re getting too old so you need to get married. Others will tell you to settle and stop being picky. At the end of the day, this is your life. Marriage will come when it comes.

Document your highs and lows.

Every year, I love to revisit the millions of journals and pictures on my phone. Although I do not like to be reminded of the past, knowing what I have been through is still good. The good and the bad. You don’t have to do this, but I find it helpful to document your life, whatever it looks like for you. Journal. Take pictures. Create a physical photo album. Make your own scrapbook. This is for you and only you.

You will always find your passion/purpose in new experiences and challenges in life.

I talked to a close friend of mine, and they mentioned something so important. They felt lost and didn’t know if they really knew their purpose in life. It made me realize that with each new experience, you will be reminded of your passion/purpose in life. And, you may not have just one purpose. Honestly, I don’t think any of us have one purpose. If you’re feeling lost, think about your passions in life. Think about what you’re truly passionate about. What makes you happy? It took me a while to figure it out, but when I did, I was a happy woman. Take your time too. Do not let anyone rush you to figure it all out. One step at a time.

“Do not forget to take care of your open wounds.”

You put a bandaid on that wound, hoping it will heal in due time, but have you checked on it? Have you cleaned the wound? Your open wounds need to be addressed and taken care of. I have always suppressed my emotions and the pain I’ve felt. I would remind myself that with time, I would heal. But, that was never the case. Eventually, all the emotions piled up, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I became bitter. Your open wounds cannot become scars until you do the work to heal. Once it becomes a scar, you’ll be reminded of your strength and the obstacles you’ve overcome.

Thank you so much for reading! Stay safe!

Written by Diaka Thiam

Omg, what is this? Consistency? No way! Hello my wonderful readers, I hope you are all well. How are you feeling? Are you feeling the feelings? All the emotions you’ve been suppressing? Holding off? Convincing yourself that you are okay when you are not?

There are days when I cannot explain or even understand my emotions. If I do not understand what I am feeling at the moment, I put it off. Reminding myself to come back to it, but never do. All the feelings begin to pile up, and come back to me by force. It usually takes one moment, one situation, or one word for me to give in. To feel the feelings. All of them.

This may be the case for some, but for others who actually take the time to understand their emotions at the moment, not so much. Back in college, people used to tell me how positive I was. In my head, I took it as a compliment. Who doesn’t want to be positive? But, there was something I didn’t realize at the time. I was engaging in toxic positivity. Yet, I wasn’t the only one. The people who continuously mentioned my positivity are to blame as well. I mean, how can someone be positive every day?

I would push my “negative” feelings aside. Whenever I showed any type of sadness or anger, people would comment, “You’re not your usual self today.” So, what is my usual self like?

It bothered me a lot. I began to hide my true emotions. I would plaster a smile on my face and just go about my day. But, when I returned home, the tears would escape and I suddenly became vulnerable. I wasn’t being honest to myself.

I struggled for a while, especially when I came to a realization that I wasn’t being honest. I let my emotions pile up once again, not really taking the time to explore them. It was after college, when I was no longer surrounded by people who encouraged my toxic positivity, that I finally decided to stop. Journaling how I felt was key. No matter how I was feeling, I would pick up my journal and write. I was inconsistent for a bit, but that’s okay. While journaling, I would reflect a lot on everything happening in my life, but also outside of my life.

Here are some ways you can feel the feelings:

• Reflect and choose something to help document your reflection.
  • This can be through anything. Some people prefer journaling. Others prefer creating art. Maybe creating a playlist of how you feel at the moment. Or, writing a letter to yourself.
• Move your body.
  • Sometimes to feel the feelings and to let them go, you want to move your body. I switch it up depending on how I am feeling. If I am feeling sad, I will do yoga. If I am feeling joy and energetic, I will choose my favorite dance playlist and dance. If I am feeling angry or stressed, I will do a 30 minute exercise to let it all out. Find out what works for you.

• Talking to someone.
  • This can be anyone, even you! You can also talk to a therapist. Therapy is effective. If therapy is not an option due to any reason, then maybe a friend or someone close to you. Sometimes, talking to yourself can be helpful. Hearing yourself talk about how you are feeling helps.

Be mindful. Try your best to feel the feelings. Just try. I am learning everyday to feel my feelings. I’m not going to lie and say, it’s been an easy process, but hey, I am trying. If you want to add any suggestions to the list above, please reach out! If you are looking for resources, let me know!

As always, thank you for reading.

Written by Diaka Thiam

If you want to reach out, email me at deethiam@gmail.com.

Author’s Note: Hi my wonderful readers and welcome back to the Life of an African Girl in America! I hope you are all doing well.

We are back babyyyyyy. Wow. It has been a minute. I haven’t been active because your girl is now in school. Yes, I am a graduate student now studying Counseling Psychology. My concentration is in school counseling. Honestly, if you asked 18 year old Diakha if she would ever pursue school counseling, she would’ve laughed. But, here we are.

A few years ago, I wrote a blog post titled, mental health in an African home and at the time, I was an undergrad student studying psychology. Now, I am revisiting this same topic because a lot has not changed. Well, I have changed. I have decided to continue my counseling psychology journey for the sake of helping and educating my own community. Over the past few years, I have always tried to have an open and candid relationship with my parents. I took over our relationship, not to control it, but to find a balance. My parents will always have the mindset of “I am the parent and you are the child.” But as I have gotten older, I have noticed a change in them. How they view me- as if I am the parent. The dependence. The yearning for care. I noticed sadness in their eyes. The silence.

Our home has always been quiet. We’ve been through a lot of traumatic events, which we barely speak about. I try my best to check in with my brothers, specifically the youngest. One thing I have noticed over the years is how my mom talks to me about her pain. I listen carefully because that is the least I can do for her. No matter what is going on, I always make sure to ask everyone in the home how they are doing. For me, it’s a great way to start the conversation. How are they really? But, sometimes this is not reciprocated. My parents do not ask me how I am mentally. Usually, they only ask if I am okay when I am physically ill. I can walk around the home, depressed, and I never hear, “Diakha are you okay?” Or, when I tell them how I really feel about being the eldest daughter who carries a lot on her shoulders, and they aren’t listening.

In my African household, my goal since college was to start the conversation about our mental wellbeing. Even if my parents refused to ask me how I am, I told myself to not give up on them. If I don’t start the conversation then who will? My next goal is to educate them, overcome this barrier and stigma. We’re making progress, I know it’s small, but it’s progress. My mother talking to me openly about how she feels is progress. I would like for the next step to be my mother attending a therapy session, but that will be difficult due to the language barrier and cultural differences. If I can find a therapist for her that speaks French, we can make it work.

For my fellow Africans, let’s not be shy. To practice now on speaking about mental health and wellbeing in your homes will definitely prepare you for your future family. It should not be taboo to talk about how we feel. Simple check-ins are helpful. Encouraging your family to take a day or two for themselves. Having a family conversation and creating a strong family support system. Seeking professional help. Creating a safe environment in the home (being inclusive).

I barely touched the surface in this blog post. There’s a lot to be discussed especially when it comes to our family members who have mental health conditions. How do we overcome the stigma surrounded by those conditions? How do we educate our family members who are in denial?

It starts with you. Yes, you, reading this post. Take the steps needed. Take the initiative. If you would like to talk more about this topic, please feel free to reach out.

Thank you for reading! More on this topic coming soon.

Written by: Diaka Thiam