Who was it that said moving on was one of the easiest things to do? No seriously, who was it?

Moving on from any type of relationship is quite interesting. I’ve done it multiple times and let me tell you, the people who are no longer in my life needed to leave. It was time for them to go. But I’m talking about moving on as if it’s an easy process. As if it is baking brownies or solving an algebra equation. No, it’s really not that easy. Moving on from anything is like separating from the things you’re used to, the things you’re attached to, and the things you know. Yet, why do we talk about it as if it’s so damn easy? Why do we go on social media and say, “It’s time to cut all these people. I’m cutting these toxic people out of my life.” HELLOO? This is easier said than done.

Think about it. You’re in a relationship/friendship with someone. They become part of your daily routine. If you’re like me, you become attached to them because you love their company. You love being around them and it gives you this constant high. Yes, it gives you this high. You become so used to this person, you don’t ever pause to think, “what will happen if I lose this person? What will happen if this person leaves me? What will happen if I no longer want this person in my life?” Or maybe you do. However, something then happens which causes you and this person to stop talking to one another. Something causes you to delete this persons number. Something causes you to block this person on all forms of social media (this is not considered to be petty). Something causes these things. And guess what?

You now have to move on.

I am currently in this weird stage of “moving on.” Recently ended a friendship and a relationship. I’m not going to lie, it feels great. Yet, I now have to readjust things in my life. The routine I had with this person is now just a memory. I don’t know how to move on. I thought I did but I think we mistake the moving on process as being easy. In this case, the process of moving on is deleting the person’s number, deleting the pictures of this person, blocking them on all forms of social media, and never talking to them again. To others, this may seem easy but is it really? What do you do with the feelings you had for this person? What happens to all the memories you had with this person?

To me, that’s not the process. I can do all that, yet it doesn’t mean I’ve moved on from this person. We sometimes forget that people come into our lives for a reason. Some come into our lives for a season and others for a long time. I’ve said this before, we learn something from every person that comes into our life, whether our experience with this person is good or bad. Moving on means taking the lessons you’ve learned from this person and using it. Moving on means focusing on the things that really matter now. Moving on means not only readjusting to things, but accepting the change that comes with it. Moving on means constantly reflecting and being aware of your emotions. Sometimes, when people are no longer in our lives, we tend to have this bitterness in our hearts. If you let this bitterness and hatred stay in your heart for a while, it will only get worse.

Someone wise once told me, “Do not make someone your world, make them part of your world.” Make the person a part of your world. I made the mistake of making this person my world. I was lost for a bit without them being in my life but I think I will be okay. I’m accepting the change that comes with ending a friendship and a relationship. You have to be able to give yourself time. Although I may feel lonely now, I’d rather feel this way than to have people who weren’t meant to be in my life stay for long. If they stayed any longer, I wouldn’t be at peace.

For you, moving on could mean something totally different. And that my friend is okay. As long as you are taking care of yourself, and are accepting of change. It’ll be okay. And you may get to a point where you want that person back in your life, but remember the why. Why they left, why you left, and why you had to move on.

I’ll leave you with this quote:

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”– Steve Maraboli

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Written by Diaka Thiam. Thank you for reading! 🙂

Honestly did not know how to begin writing this post. I reflect almost every day and it comes easy but writing this post was a bit difficult. Where do I start? I started with 3 different titles and ended up with the one above. I have learned a lot about myself especially in the past eight months. Here are things I’ve learned:

Give but do not give so much of yourself that you neglect self care– One of the things I learned is that I’m too giving. I give too much of myself to people and that has caused me heartbreaks. I was never careful on who I gave my all to because of acceptance, this wanting of being accepted by people. I had the mindset that if I gave my all to the people in my life, they would give me love and care. But I was wrong. It caused me to isolate myself a lot. To the point where I became lonely even though I had people. I couldn’t tell people in my life what I was going through. I’m not saying do not give, but it’s important to make yourself a priority. It is draining giving your all to people. Before you give your time, love, and care to others, give those things to yourself first. You feel me?

Stop bottling your emotions- I learned that I am terrible at communicating the way I feel (but I been knew this). Usually, I bottle a lot of things up without realizing the self-damage. It’s never healthy to keep things to yourself. One day, you will come to a point where you just feel like crying and you can’t stop. No seriously, you just can’t stop crying. Your emotions are not meant to be withheld and bottled up. They are meant to be expressed. Whenever I had problems with someone in my life, they would never know that I had a problem with them because I never expressed how I felt. That’s horrible, I know. But, I think I am somewhat getting better at communicating the way I feel. It’s a working progress to be honest. But you need to communicate. You need to feel comfortable in telling people how you feel. Most importantly though, do not hold it all in. Let it out from time to time and it is okay to cry, slap someone (actually don’t do this), throw your phone at a wall (don’t do this as well… please), or sit and just breath. Find your support system, the people who are there to listen, hug you or give you food when you’re in pain and hurting.

Whoever is meant to be in your life will be in your life (whether good or bad)- Stop holding on to people that do not want to be in your life. It just brings you down. Take a pair of scissors and cut the string that bonds you and that person. The person who didn’t want to be in your life probably did that for you already. They probably let the string go, now it’s your turn. You know when someone is meant to be in your life. YOU KNOW. People will walk away and you will feel hurt, but you have to let them go. You have to make room for other people to come into your life. But you must also realize that your focus should be on those that are already in your life. Those who really care for you. And, I say whether good or bad because those who are meant to be in your life are not always good, they could be bad as well. They could bring you down constantly and be very toxic, but they are there to teach you lessons and help you grow. However, they are only there for a short period of time. I’m saying this from my own experience.

Life is full of surprises (good and bad)- There have been times when I wanted to give up on a lot of things. Eight months ago, I was put in a situation that I never thought I would be in. Actually, I put myself in that situation. Yeah, I will admit to that. This situation changed the way I think about myself and the people around me. Because I put myself in that situation, I ended up hurt. However, from this situation, I picked myself up and continued with my life. I thought that everything was going to go downhill after the situation but it didn’t. It turned out to be better. During that time, I was receiving recognition for all the hard work I’ve been doing. That recognition reminded me of my true potential. I couldn’t let one situation dictate my life. Life really is full of surprises, you never know what will happen. Yet, it doesn’t mean you give up. You pick yourself back up because eventually you overcome these situations, and you grow.

Love Thyself- When I tell you self love is hard… for others, it comes naturally but for people like me, it’s a struggle. I struggled a lot when it came to loving myself. I would love everyone else but myself. This has caused me to be so hard on myself. Loving yourself is not just about loving your physical characteristics, but it’s about loving EVERYTHAAAAANG about yourself. Your beauty, interests, intelligence, flaws, and other characteristics that define you. Earlier this year, I started putting post it notes on my mirror. Each one has a quote that I wrote when I was at my lowest or at my highest. In one quote, I wrote: “Stop comparing yourself to others. Love yourself.” It’s hard for me because I was always brought down by people closest to me. I let their words take over me without even realizing it until now. Everyday I try to tell myself that I am a good person and a goal of mine is to be a good person. You’re not a narcissist for loving yourself. Anyone who tells you that you are can catch these hands. But I digress.

I learned more things but I think this is enough. I’m grateful for the things I’ve learned these past months. I encourage you to do some self reflecting as well. Thank me later. I’m going to go drink some coffee and binge watch Scandal all over again. Don’t judge me, I am engaging in self care. But I’ll leave you with this:

Thank you for reading. Written by: Diaka Thiam 🙂

Note: here are some of my thoughts, I have the dates down because that’s when I wrote them. they’re short entries, so I didn’t really elaborate or anything. As I continue to jot down my thoughts, I will edit them and add them to this post. 

05/22/2018

Sometimes, we let certain things bother us to the point where we lose it. It can be the smallest thing and we let it get in our heads. We let it strangle us, taking the oxygen away from us. Unable to breath, feeling so numb and allowing this thing become the disease that spreads in our mind. Our mind is consumed by this one thing. We become desperate. So desperate that it is hard for us to stop thinking about it. The thoughts alone cannot be left alone, no matter how hard you try.

Sometimes, we don’t want to talk about the beauty and ugliness of friendships. People say, “the ups and downs.” See, the beauty of friendships is that you can love. You can be yourself, and be rest assured that you have someone or people next to you. Yet, there is such an ugliness that we tend to ignore. The abuse, the constant needing and being taken advantage of. You do not realize it until it grips your arms tightly. To be continued…

05/24/2018

How do I make sense of the world? How does one make sense of their surroundings? What is it about this world, that makes us humans fall in love with it? Actually, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I want to talk about love. Have you ever loved so much that you end up forgetting what it feels like to love yourself? I have a serious question: can you love others before yourself? I think I can answer that question because I have loved before even loving myself. I would say that I struggle to love myself at this point. I am so worried about loving others, caring for others, that I am forgetting myself. I wonder what it would be like if I fully loved myself. Would I be considered a narcissist?

 

The smell of coffee tingled Marwa’s nostrils as she breathed in deeply. She shook her head and sighed. It was the first day of Ramadan. First day she couldn’t drink her usual cup of hot hazelnut coffee with french vanilla cream. First day of the blessed month. Glancing at her gold watch, she knew she was a few minutes late to work. At least she was already in the building, her main goal was to get to her desk before her boss arrived. She did not see his car in the parking lot.

It was difficult for her to go back to sleep after waking up for Suhoor. The alarm didn’t go off as it should have at 3:00am. Instead, her mother knocked heavily on her room door which she warned her about earlier that day. She specifically told her mother: “Ma, do not wake me up. I have an alarm. If you do have to wake me up, please do not bang on my door.” Yet, at 3:34am, her mother must have forgotten what she initially said.

“Good morning Maria!” Jim yelled as soon as Marwa stepped out of the elevator. She rolled her eyes. Relax and smile, do not be angry, she thought to herself.

“Good morning Joe.” She replied, proceeding to go to her desk. Jim smiled awkwardly with his small lips pressed tightly together. He opened his mouth waiting for the words to escape his mouth, but nothing. He pressed his lips together again and followed Marwa to her desk.

“Why do you keep calling me Joe?” Jim said calmly. By this point, Marwa had already sat on her desk, ready to begin her new assignment.

Her eyes peered over to his. “You keep calling me Maria, when my name is Marwa. I have told you this numerous of times.”

He chuckled loudly. However, Marwa did not find any of this funny. He was a new writer at this office, and the odd thing was that he knew everyone’s name but hers. She assumed that he knew it was Marwa, but he just decided to call her Maria for jokes. She was not here for jokes.

“I apologize, I really thought it was Maria. Do you have a nickname?”

That was it. Marwa closed her eyes, and began to count in her head: 1, 2, 3, 4…

“Okay then, I’ll leave you be.”

When she reached 30, she opened her eyes and Jim was gone. He was at his desk glancing at his computer screen as if nothing happened. Do you have a nickname? Did he seriously just ask me that? Rubbish. 

It was now lunch time. Marwa wanted to use her time to go pray. Before getting up, one of her coworkers, Liz, approached her desk.

“Hey! Do you wanna grab lunch? Grubs is having lunch specials and I thought you might be interested.” Liz grinned. She was the nice one in this office.

“Uh- I can’t today Liz. I am fasting.”

Liz squinted her eyes at Marwa. “You’re fasti-” Her eyes immediately widened as if she just discovered something new. “It’s Ramadan already?”

Nodding her head, Marwa said, “Yeah, but thank you for the invite. I appreciate it.”

“No problem. But I have a question- you can’t eat at all?”

Marwa gently shook her head, “No. I fast from sunrise to sunset.”

“Wow, can you at least drink water?” Liz asked, now intrigued. Her eyes were still wide with interest.

“No… during this holy month, Muslims cannot eat or drink anything until the sun sets. But it is more than just not eating, it is also abstaining yourself from negative thoughts and behaviors. It is a month of understanding and having empathy for those who are less fortunate.” Marwa replied.

“Wait-“Liz paused.

Marwa knew what was about to come next.

“Not even water?!”

 

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Written by: Diaka Thiam

Note: I wrote this because I had a similar experience but I decided to use fictional characters. Thank you for reading 🙂

The stories around me that are being told are the stories of being Black in America. Thinking about the different modalities, especially visual, the portrayals of the mistreatment of Black people in the media is a story that I am told on a daily basis. Whether it is on news programs, or on television programs, I am told the same narrative. These stories do indeed tell us how the world works; meaning, that there is power and privilege in our world. There are people with advantages and others with disadvantages. Privilege is given to those with a certain status, and power. As a Black woman in this society, I am not given that power nor that privilege. I can consider myself to be amongst those who are disadvantaged. Therefore, my behavior and demeanor must be “controlled.” I have to behave in a certain way in order to be treated well in this world. The same narrative that I am told on a daily basis, whether it is on television or social media, has an impact on me and all of us as well, because it changes our perception on people and things.

Furthermore, when considering who has power in this narrative, we must look at the modalities in which this narrative is being told. Who is pushing this narrative and why? If we look at the news programs, the same story that is being told is that a Black man has been shot by the police. Usually, with this story, the Black man was unarmed and the police officer that shot him is on probation or suspended. I have become desensitized to this narrative because it is the same. Depending on the news program, they may decide to portray any criminal history the victim had. Other news programs will portray what is known as the Black on Black crime narrative. This narrative perpetuates the stereotypes associated with Black people. Though I do not know specifically who makes the rules, I know that the people that are in power have a motive. The motive can be to portray Black people negatively. These narratives teach society how to treat Black people, especially as criminals for Black men.

Thinking about the stories around me, my identity plays a significant role. As a Black Muslim woman, I am told that I need to work twice as hard in order to make it in this world. I have to prove myself because people’s perception of me is different from how I would like for them to perceive me. With the way people perceive me, I struggle with my identity. The world around me want me to be someone that I am not. In consideration of the media, there aren’t that many stories portrayed on Black Muslim women. Yet, there are stories on Black women and Muslim women. It’s as though I need to choose between my race and my religion. There isn’t much power given to me; I am not given the power to choose where to fit in. Whether I choose my ethnicity or religion, I am still at a disadvantage.

Other stories I am told are the continuous mistreatment of Black people. Recently, I was on social media and I saw the story about two Black men who got arrested in Starbucks. They were arrested after waiting for their friend. The two men were arrested for trespassing. The story went viral on social media and there were many people furious about it. Based on this story, Black men, specifically, are not treated fairly. Black people must behave in a certain way in order to be treated well. Black people must watch for what they say, and how they say it. Black people must meet certain expectations, so that they are not viewed differently. A constant story that I usually hear a lot is a Black student being told to go home from school because of his/her hair. If the student has dreads or braids, it is considered inappropriate and against the school’s policy. Not only do Black people need to monitor their behavior but also the way they dress and look. This all goes back to power and the understanding of who is at a disadvantage. In this case, it’s not about what is being punished, but who is being punished and why they are being punished. Those who are at a disadvantage are being punished for who they are.

There are so many more stories of the mistreatment of Black people and being Black in America, but they are all similar. No matter how far along we are, it will continue to be the same because of power. Those who have power are able to control and do things that will benefit them. These stories are being told on platforms with a large audience. Because of this, it matters that we know what perspective these stories are being told from. But, it must be noted that these stories shape the way people view others. And, the fact that these media platforms have a large audience, they can be influenced.

The power is with those who are telling these stories of being Black in America. However, if Black people were the ones telling their own story, it would be quite different. Maybe they would be treated differently. If they had power to tell their own story, people’s perception about them would change. And, the negative narrative of Black people would cease to exist, right? The stories that are told to us do indeed shape us to become who we are. It is difficult to make sense of the world when there are too many stories to be told. But, most importantly, it is difficult to make sense of the world when you lack power.

 

 

 

Yeah. You read the title right. Guess who said that? My mom.

So a few months back, my mom was talking to my aunt at her hair salon. They were talking about marriage, and my aunt asked my mom when I will get married. Yes, she’s one of those aunties at parties that always asks when you will get married. It’s really none of their business. Why are they so concerned? I really don’t know, but back to the story. My mom said not yet, and that she wanted me to finish my education first. I was in shock but also grateful for that response. My aunt then asked if my mom would let me marry someone who is not African. My mother’s response: “She can marry who she wants, as long as he is African.”

I stopped braiding my customer’s hair and looked at my mom. She was not paying attention to me, instead, she kept braiding. I thought about what she said long and hard. I can marry who I want but they must be African. But when religion comes in, I’m actually limited. What my mother meant to say: “She can marry who she wants, as long as he is African AND Muslim.”

So, I really cannot marry who I want. Although I still think about this conversation, I question my freedom to marry whom I want (he has to be Muslim). My parents have tied me and put me in this tiny box in which I cannot be released until someone marries me. The one good thing is that my parents are not expecting me to get married anytime soon. Yet, they hold the key to this box that I am in. As an African woman, I really am limited. As an African woman, I have a “curfew.” I must come home at a certain time. I must tell my parents where I am at all times. I cannot have male friends. I must be the care taker.

As an African woman, I am limited. This key that they hold will be given to my future husband.

How do I break free from this box without marriage being involved? I honestly do not know. However, do I have to marry an African man because my mother said so? (I would say yes so I do not get disowned). But, the point is, I should be of liberty to make my own decisions. I shouldn’t be limited, not just in who I marry, but in everything. I am not my own person. I am my parents person. I am in the box they have created just for me. Now, my goal is to break free.

My mother’s new response should be: “She can choose whomever she wants to marry (as long as he is Muslim).”

This is a topic that we do not discuss in my house. At all. I have always wanted to talk to my parents about my mental health. Yet, every time my feet are ready to move, they are glued to the floor. And every time I am ready to speak, my mouth becomes dry and I am unable to find the words. How do you tell your parents that you are suffering from depression? I’m not saying that I am depressed, but I know plenty of Africans my age who have trouble opening up to their parents. Mental health disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, etc, are not discussed in an African Household.

We are limited. We are held back. You might say, “Why don’t you make your parents understand?” But I cannot. My parents would associate depression with craziness. But these are my assumptions. How can I forget? I also come from a religious household. Therefore, if I were to open up to my parents, they would tell me to pray about it. You would be surprised if I were to tell you what my major is. Actually, guess. Yes. You’re right. Psychology.

Every time I tell people I am a psychology major, this is their initial reaction: “Oh wow, we need more people like you because there are too many crazy people in this world.” People fail to acknowledge that mental disorders are serious. It sickens me when people associate mental illnesses with being crazy. No. We must stop this stigma of mental illnesses. My point is that it’s not just African parents, but also other people who fail to educate themselves. However, in order for me to have a discussion with my parents,  I need to educate them on what mental disorders are.

But where do we (Africans who are in my generation) begin? How do we have an honest, open discussion about our mental health? Maybe, our parents are also suffering, but choose to not acknowledge it. Suffering in silence is not the answer. We can begin this conversation by going to our parents, sitting down with them, and tell them what is going on. The conversation could simply begin when they ask you if you are okay. If you like to write, you can also write letters to your parents. Our first step is to try to make them understand. If they refuse to acknowledge your mental health, then find someone else who can understand.

Some of us are not close to our parents, which can also be a problem. Although I am not close to my parents, I want to stop suffering in silence. The next time my dad asks me if I am okay, hopefully, my feet will no longer be glued to the floor, my mouth isn’t so dry, and I’ll be able to find the words.

 

 

I’ve come to realize that I love watching biographical films. They are fascinating and much more interesting than any other genre in my opinion. I remember watching the biographical film of Nina Simone, which is called Nina. The film was okay, it could have been better, but I’m not here to talk about the deliverance of the film. Let’s discuss the actress who was playing Nina Simone: Zoe Saldana.

Saldana is clearly light skinned. Yet, Nina Simone was a dark skinned woman. Ask yourself this, why would a director choose a light skinned woman to play a dark skinned woman? Or how is that even possible? Or better yet, why didn’t the director look for an actress who is dark skinned? This is what frustrated me when I watched the film. They (the people who created the film) made Saldana dark. How you may ask? I do not know but it did not look good at all.

Representation matters of course. It matters especially when it comes to films and television shows. We all know two important things. One, we know that Hollywood tends to casts lighter skinned women for certain roles for Black women. Two, we know that when it comes to filming a movie where the character is dark skinned, Hollywood chooses a light skinned woman. Now, wait a second. I’m not slandering light skinned women. Oh no, honey. As a Black woman myself, I will always support my fellow Black sisters.

However, as a dark skinned Black woman, I am not represented well in films and television shows. Yes, there’s Viola Davis, Lupita Nyong’o, and Uzo Aduba. But let’s take a second and think about our favorite television shows. If there’s a Black woman in that television show, is she light skinned, brown skinned, or dark skinned? Now, if you do have a favorite television in which there is a dark skinned Black woman, how is she being portrayed? Negatively? Angry? Loud? What about a light skinned Black woman? How is she being portrayed? Positively? Calm? Think about this.

There are films and television shows in which there are little to no Black actresses AND actors. Yes. I’m very serious. Are you a fan of Game of Thrones? Oh, may I ask, is that show diverse? Have you noticed any Black characters? Oh wow, you’ve noticed only two Black characters? You see where I’m going with this? I have never watched the show, but I’ve seen trailers and that’s enough for me to presume that it’s not diverse.

I am all for my black brothers and sisters who are on the big screen. Especially since, we are not casted that often. But from my point above, Hollywood needs to do better. REPRESENTATION MATTERS.

Say it with me: REPRESENTATION MATTERS.

i am tired.

i’ve worked too hard and too long, everyday explaining your privilege to you. i never know the best way to tell you. i can never open my mouth, and say “you’re racist.” because we know your answer to that. you’re unappreciative. telling a group of black people that they are too loud, when we never uttered a word. your eyes fail to notice the others who are of your skin complexion. but your eyes never fail to be quick and glare at those whose skin color is darker than yours. you love learning about new cultures, but when will you learn mine. show me what you’ve learned. eating chipotle and indian cuisine does not mean you’ve learned a new culture. culturally appropriating by wearing an african dress does not mean you’ve learned a new culture. saying como estas or nagadef does not mean you appreciate a different culture. your privilege is painted permanently on your white skin. you do not associate yourself with us, “black people.” you try to forget that you’re white. but how can you? you say that i should forget about my skin tone, but how can i? i am black. how can i forget who i am when i am faced with bigotry for my skin color? tell me.